Goodbye

Memories in my mind,

the only thing left of you.

Pain in my heart,

the only feeling I can feel.

Longing in my soul,

the only action I can take.

I held on until my fingers bled,

but they eventually slipped,

and I let go.

But you didn't reach down,

didn't try to save me,

didn't want to save me.

That's what hurt the most.

Falling with my tears,

landing in an empty bed,

feeling like the fool.

Everything we had,

suddenly seems phony.

How could I be so,

stupid? blind? ignorant?

Time is healing,

sewing me up,

but I will bear a scar.

You sneak into my thoughts,

when it's quiet,

when I'm still.

Forgetting,

is not an option.

Sometimes I want to remember,

our kisses,

the laughter,

how you pressed me close.

A part of me,

will always be yours,

but you've lost me,

forever.

Please don't ask,

for me back,

for what we had.

It won't be the same,

similar perhaps,

but always tainted.

Goodbye my Popeye,

I wish you well.

Love,

your Olive.

A Small October Victory

Today is a small victory, albeit it had nothing to do with any great effort of mine.  Autumn is my absolute favorite season and I have been accused of celebrating early one too many times, but today is simply perfect.  Situated precisely in the middle of October, the air is crisp, cool, and clear.  The sun is shining down a bit too cheerily for my taste, but I will take what I can get.  Orange-red leaves are kicked up by the breeze and left to tumble to the ground.  It's mesmerizing watching their descent, almost like watching the Blue Angels at an air show.  I have admittedly cheated and bought apple cinnamon wax melts so that the aroma permeates every room of our very small apartment, but the smell of legitimately baked pumpkin gingerbread lingers in the corners.  I quickly go over the mental checklist: sweatshirt (check), blanket (check), open windows (check), comfy chair (check), good book not related to school (check).  Yes, I do believe this is the first perfect fall day of the season.

Single Darcy

Dear K,

Somebody made a Russian reference today and I almost told them about us, about our "dead cat nights" and how speaking in zee Russian made zee problemz go avay.  We were sitting in the phlebotomy area learning how to draw blood, and your Red-Cross-traveling-the-world dream came to mind.  You would've loved it here and probably done a better job than me!

I almost snapped a picture of this beautiful tree outside my window, right across the street from a baseball field.  Have you thrown the softball lately?  I practiced my basketball shooting with crumpled up homework sheets: I was a little rusty.

Today was move in day at school and I can't help but wonder if everything went smoothly and you're all snuggled in F.S. Hall.  Last year with you was amazing and simply quite wonderful, but at the moment I feel quite sad.  So many times I've turned to share something with you, only to see an empty space.  The phone calls and texts become lost in cyberspace, and I'm left wondering why?  What have I done to drive you away?  Did I imagine those times last fall, belly laughing on our backs in the middle of the living room floor?  What about the late night runs?

There are three refilled water jugs perched on top of my refrigerator and you know what?   I'm mad...and hurt....and feel slightly betrayed.  I've never been mad at you before.  I don't like it.

I wish you were a stupid boy so I could just forget you and move on, but it doesn't work like that.  We  were both supposed to be there for the good, the bad, and the ugly.......but I can't seem to find you anymore.

I miss you like Darcy misses his Elizabeth (but not in the romantic way!).

-KB

P.S.- I've almost caught up to you in Gilmore Girls.

Happy New Years!

It's 11:35 pm on December 31, 2014.  That's right, it's New Year's Eve.  I'm currently stretched out on the couch with my cat in my lap, watching the celebrations on  T.V.  It is with no shame that I admit to wearing sweat pants and a sweat shirt, fuzzy socks, and being buried under three blankets.  As you can tell, I'm not the party kind of girl when it comes to this particular holiday.  In fact, I tend to think that New Years is usually a lame excuse to get drunk and party, and a bad opportunity for cheesy proposals (no offense).  By the way, Jenny McCarthy just tried to convince the world that Times Square at 22 degrees was just as cold as a town in Wyoming, whose temperature is -35 degrees Fahrenheit.  "Just so you know, the official freezing temperature of silicon is also 22 degrees," she spouts and she knocks on one of her fake breasts.  Really??!!  Would you be offended if I said that live T.V. has become so trashy?  As a fellow resident of Iowa, I can safely say that there is a huge difference between 22 and -35 degrees.

Ok, rant is over.  I don't normally make New Year's resolutions, mostly because I get hyped up with all the feel good crap and make unrealistic resolutions, which I never keep.  Last year however, I did make a few, and I ended up keeping some of them.  I think the main difference between last year and others was that my resolutions were realistic and they were about very important things in my life, rather than a list of everything I thought I had to fix about my entire life.  This year I would like to make a few resolutions again, and hopefully keep them.  These will be aimed at improving my role in the various relationships that I'm involved in, including how I treat myself.  Here goes:

~I would like to be a better listener to those who always listen to me~
~I need to stop complaining, even during the difficult moments~
~Stick to a budget~
~Stand up for myself~
~Actively believe that God will provide for me, in anything I truly need~
~Be honest when someone/something is bothering me~

I'm sure there are others that should've made the list, but these are the biggies floating around in my head at the moment.  I hope that you all have a happy, safe, and wonderful new year!!

Days: Pieces of My Life

Yesterday was Thursday
Yesterday was windy
Yesterday was long

             Yesterday I was angry....and fed up....and incredulous
             Yesterday I prepared
             Yesterday I stood up for myself

Today is Friday. 
Today is Autumn.
Today is nearly finished.

              Today I took a test...and almost cried.....and certainly yelled
              Today I set a goal for myself....and tackled a previous one
              Today I ate lunch with a beautiful friend

Tomorrow will be Saturday
Tomorrow will be nippy
Tomorrow will be fast-paced
         
              Tomorrow will be jam packed with studies....and work....and more studies
              Tomorrow will contain monotonous motions, which require no thinking
              Tomorrow will bring many smiling, beautiful people

Soap?

So the latest craze, it seems, is my generation's addiciton to social media.  Things like Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram...you name it, have taken hold of my fellow earth dwellers, quickly entwining their slight, but strong, tentacles into every aspect of their day.  A status update isn't enough, now we have to have a location and a picture attached to it.  I'm not exactly sure how snapchat works, but my understanding is that people are able to take pictures of whatever they're doing and send it to their friends whenever they want.  I find this incredibly creepy, bordering on infringement of privacy.  The world doesn't need to know (via a cheesy selfie) that you've arrived at work and now you're going to clock in and then you're going to...NOBODY CARES!!!

Call me old fashioned.  Call me grumpy and dated.  Even if I could afford a smartphone, I wouldn't buy one.  Actually, the only reason I even have a cell phone is because it's the only way most of my friends communicate anymore.  Communication....that is what we're trying to accomplish with all this "technology", right?  Because we have these apps on this kind of phone we can now communicate faster, easier, and better...right?  But is communication what we're ultimately striving for, or are we simply trying to be noticed?  Often times I get the feeling that instead of communicating (exchanging ideas/news between two parties), people use social media sites as their personal soap box, yelling out for all to hear, their own opinion/view/philosophy/theory/etc.  Isn't that what I'm doing right now?  Well....shoot!

My fear is that users will take the soap box-freedom thing too far by saying things that they wouldn't normally say in person.  Blurting things out on the internet doesn't require you to be face to face with another human.  You aren't able to see how your words are affecting your readers.  People tend to be harsher with their words online, than when discussing them face to face.  Are we then practicing good communication, or are we merely taking part in a virtual shouting match?  Is your point really getting  across? 

When I first started blogging, I was guilty of this.  I didn't necessarily beat or bully people with words, but I used my blog almost as my own personal journal opened for the world to read.  Trust me, some things are better kept private.  It took a reality slap from some loved ones to open my eyes to the fact that I was making a fool of myself.  My hope is that those of us who do choose to use social media tools will do so, consciously thinking about how whatever they're about to post will affect those who read it.  Be kind with your words, be considerate.  Please also consider that whatever you're about to post might be better accepted by the intended receiver in a face to face conversation, rather than splayed out online for all to see.  I'm not naive.  I know there's a real world out there and life isn't sugar coated, but I don't think it would hurt for us to write as if our moms were looking over our shoulders!

Baking Away My Problems

I head toward the kitchen, stressed out. I've always liked oatmeal cookies and decide to try a recipe that I found in a magazine.  Baking is the release I need right now, being better than reading a book or watching t.v.  Stress is one thing, but not being able to vent it is another cat entirely.  My father is being especially difficult to get along with on this long weekend, and we all know that "when dad isn't happy, nobody is happy".  Mom is grumpy after trying to sweet talk him and has no patience left for me or my brother.  I understand what's going on and am here to help, but she still insists on talking to me like crap.

Preheat the oven, soak the raisins (do I even have raisins?).  The dry ingredients are pretty with the brownish red cinnamon swirled in the stark white flour and sugar.  The wet elements are mixed separately, and then added to the dry.  Their segregation reminds me of how the world works.  We segregate each other, yet when something needs to be done/created, it takes all of us together to get the job done.

I like baking alone in the kitchen.  Mom isn't hovering around, picking out my flaws.  I feel relaxed and let my creative juices flow.  Somehow, I find the energy to clean up messes and tackle the huge mound of dishes, but can't seem to find the time to clean the bathroom.  Typical.  After investigating, dad hints that he would like me to make the blueberry muffins he bought.  Awesome, yet another thing he wants me to do for him!

Okay, clean the mess up from cookies and move on to muffins.  Add water, mix thoroughly.  Drop batter into muffin cups (but not too much).  Set the timer and gather cleaning supplies for the bathroom (yes, I've resolved to clean it after all).  Cookie dough threatens to come back up as I clean the toilet seat.  How scrumptious.  Timer buzzes.  I finish the bathroom and grab the muffins out of the inferno.

Ten minutes later, I've cleaned up the remaining messes, arranged the muffins (rather prettily, I think), and stand in the middle of the kitchen, arms hanging by my side.  Without the stress and anger, I feel rather limp and worn out.  I taste a cookie and decide they probably won't be very good after all.