Goodbye

Memories in my mind,

the only thing left of you.

Pain in my heart,

the only feeling I can feel.

Longing in my soul,

the only action I can take.

I held on until my fingers bled,

but they eventually slipped,

and I let go.

But you didn't reach down,

didn't try to save me,

didn't want to save me.

That's what hurt the most.

Falling with my tears,

landing in an empty bed,

feeling like the fool.

Everything we had,

suddenly seems phony.

How could I be so,

stupid? blind? ignorant?

Time is healing,

sewing me up,

but I will bear a scar.

You sneak into my thoughts,

when it's quiet,

when I'm still.

Forgetting,

is not an option.

Sometimes I want to remember,

our kisses,

the laughter,

how you pressed me close.

A part of me,

will always be yours,

but you've lost me,

forever.

Please don't ask,

for me back,

for what we had.

It won't be the same,

similar perhaps,

but always tainted.

Goodbye my Popeye,

I wish you well.

Love,

your Olive.

A Small October Victory

Today is a small victory, albeit it had nothing to do with any great effort of mine.  Autumn is my absolute favorite season and I have been accused of celebrating early one too many times, but today is simply perfect.  Situated precisely in the middle of October, the air is crisp, cool, and clear.  The sun is shining down a bit too cheerily for my taste, but I will take what I can get.  Orange-red leaves are kicked up by the breeze and left to tumble to the ground.  It's mesmerizing watching their descent, almost like watching the Blue Angels at an air show.  I have admittedly cheated and bought apple cinnamon wax melts so that the aroma permeates every room of our very small apartment, but the smell of legitimately baked pumpkin gingerbread lingers in the corners.  I quickly go over the mental checklist: sweatshirt (check), blanket (check), open windows (check), comfy chair (check), good book not related to school (check).  Yes, I do believe this is the first perfect fall day of the season.

Single Darcy

Dear K,

Somebody made a Russian reference today and I almost told them about us, about our "dead cat nights" and how speaking in zee Russian made zee problemz go avay.  We were sitting in the phlebotomy area learning how to draw blood, and your Red-Cross-traveling-the-world dream came to mind.  You would've loved it here and probably done a better job than me!

I almost snapped a picture of this beautiful tree outside my window, right across the street from a baseball field.  Have you thrown the softball lately?  I practiced my basketball shooting with crumpled up homework sheets: I was a little rusty.

Today was move in day at school and I can't help but wonder if everything went smoothly and you're all snuggled in F.S. Hall.  Last year with you was amazing and simply quite wonderful, but at the moment I feel quite sad.  So many times I've turned to share something with you, only to see an empty space.  The phone calls and texts become lost in cyberspace, and I'm left wondering why?  What have I done to drive you away?  Did I imagine those times last fall, belly laughing on our backs in the middle of the living room floor?  What about the late night runs?

There are three refilled water jugs perched on top of my refrigerator and you know what?   I'm mad...and hurt....and feel slightly betrayed.  I've never been mad at you before.  I don't like it.

I wish you were a stupid boy so I could just forget you and move on, but it doesn't work like that.  We  were both supposed to be there for the good, the bad, and the ugly.......but I can't seem to find you anymore.

I miss you like Darcy misses his Elizabeth (but not in the romantic way!).

-KB

P.S.- I've almost caught up to you in Gilmore Girls.

Happy New Years!

It's 11:35 pm on December 31, 2014.  That's right, it's New Year's Eve.  I'm currently stretched out on the couch with my cat in my lap, watching the celebrations on  T.V.  It is with no shame that I admit to wearing sweat pants and a sweat shirt, fuzzy socks, and being buried under three blankets.  As you can tell, I'm not the party kind of girl when it comes to this particular holiday.  In fact, I tend to think that New Years is usually a lame excuse to get drunk and party, and a bad opportunity for cheesy proposals (no offense).  By the way, Jenny McCarthy just tried to convince the world that Times Square at 22 degrees was just as cold as a town in Wyoming, whose temperature is -35 degrees Fahrenheit.  "Just so you know, the official freezing temperature of silicon is also 22 degrees," she spouts and she knocks on one of her fake breasts.  Really??!!  Would you be offended if I said that live T.V. has become so trashy?  As a fellow resident of Iowa, I can safely say that there is a huge difference between 22 and -35 degrees.

Ok, rant is over.  I don't normally make New Year's resolutions, mostly because I get hyped up with all the feel good crap and make unrealistic resolutions, which I never keep.  Last year however, I did make a few, and I ended up keeping some of them.  I think the main difference between last year and others was that my resolutions were realistic and they were about very important things in my life, rather than a list of everything I thought I had to fix about my entire life.  This year I would like to make a few resolutions again, and hopefully keep them.  These will be aimed at improving my role in the various relationships that I'm involved in, including how I treat myself.  Here goes:

~I would like to be a better listener to those who always listen to me~
~I need to stop complaining, even during the difficult moments~
~Stick to a budget~
~Stand up for myself~
~Actively believe that God will provide for me, in anything I truly need~
~Be honest when someone/something is bothering me~

I'm sure there are others that should've made the list, but these are the biggies floating around in my head at the moment.  I hope that you all have a happy, safe, and wonderful new year!!